It seems like I've been holding my breath; waiting a lifetime...
When I was young, I was a daddy's girl. Lucy Brown he called me. Most of the fallout from his drinking and drugs was taken out on my mom - most of it. I learned really quickly to make myself small as possible. Going unnoticed and forgotten saved me a lot from my dad and my mom - but not all the time.
I had two older sisters I got to see a few times a year; and a younger brother and sister that lived in the same home. I was too young to wonder why...
When I was five years old, my oldest sister informed me that their dad was also my dad. How could that be? I had a dad. I had so many questions and who was this man that was my dad? And those questions were enough for me to fall out of favor with my (step)dad. And the only answers I got about my biological father was that he didn't want me.
And so I waited...
I waited for my father to come see me...
I waited for my (step)dad to scoop me up like his princess again...
I waited for my mom to do something about either or both...
When I was nine - my mom and (step) dad divorced and it was on me to take care of my younger brother and sister so I did. And I waited for the adults to act responsibly - they never did and I became the "mom" of my younger siblings instead of their sister.
I tried to be perfect. Didn't parents love perfect kids? I tried to be as invisible as possible - attention was being ridiculed; being hit for not being perfect; being called a whore for being sexually assaulted; being ignored, by law, when four teen boys broke into the house and came into me showering ...
I couldn't wait to be an adult ... things would surely be fine then.
But it wasn't - my mother stood on my neck with the abuse, guilt and control she'd put in place my whole life...
I waited for someone to look at me with love in their eyes and I thought my wait was over when I did. It was just beginning..
While we raised his sons, I waited for him to love me again..
While we raised our son, I waited for him to love us ....
After he cheated, I waited for him to see he loved me not them...
20 years invested - and I set him free for my own sanity.
I will be 55 in March (2024). My son is grown and I pray I've made sure he knows he is perfect the way he is; and loved unconditionally. My stepsons are grown and I pray that the restitution for the past and love I have for them going forward will be enough as well.
I am done waiting. I already like who I am. And, yes, I still look into the faces I meet for that glimmer - the hope that someone will see me and I will be enough. I no longer stay where I feel I have to beg for love, attention, acceptance ... those days are done.
A life for me, myself and I has begun...
Comments