It's been almost two years that Jim passed and this darkness came over my heart I couldn't seem to work through. I've journaled, read, meditated, talked to others in support groups and progress just wasn't to be had. I teetered between grief and guilt.
After being married 20 years to a serial cheater that made me feel like I was nothing, reuniting with the first "boy" I ever kissed was simply like a fairy tale. For two years, I felt safe and loved. He told me daily that I was a good mom to my son; beautiful; funny; loving -perfect. To him, I was perfect or at least that's how I felt.
Only a few days before his 52nd birthday, he was supposed to be coming over for dinner, like every Saturday. I talked to him at 4p.m. - by 7p.m. he was gone. I had tried to call and he hadn't answered so I figured he was in the shower or fell asleep as he did sometimes when he was very tired. But I was also irritated because he said he would be on his way and I knew he wasn't...
I have spent two years crying, questioning, struggling between kicking myself for not seeing signs I should have; or making him get to the doctor like he should. I felt guilty for what I could or should have done that might have made the difference.
Recently, I had to finally face the fact that his "problem" with pain pills and severe depression that came with it were at fault. I realize that I was the final straw. He did love me, as we do our friends and first loves. But he also settled for me in the end because I was familiar and gave him the sanctuary he needed; and perhaps I settled too. We loved but I see now we weren't in love.
Honestly though, we had something much better. We were tired of trying to be perfect; to be everyone's everything. Permitted to be our true selves with no preconceived ideals or expectations, we actually started the journey to becoming who we truly wanted to be. He just ran out of time when his body could no longer take it. And maybe it worked out perfectly for him - I'm not sure that we would have made it for a lifetime but we made it for his lifetime and for that I am grateful. And knowing that has to be enough.
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